Trembling Hands and Pounding Hearts
by JMDeLoach
Summary: An interpretation of Patsy and Delia's first time together. Rated M for potential future chapters. If you'd like to see the story continued, please leave a comment letting me know.
1. Chapter 1

Patsy's hands trembled as she tried to unbutton Delia's polka dot dress. It was as if those hands had never worked a button or delivered a baby or done anything more than rested at her side. They seemed utterly useless in this moment. Then, small, warm hands cupped hers attempting to cease the tremors.

"Pats, you're shaking," Delia said in a sweet Welsh lilt.

"I'm nervous. Aren't you?" the redhead asked, looking into blue eyes. "I'm scared I won't know what to do. Or that I'll hurt you. Or most especially that you won't like it."

Delia took one of Patsy's hands and laid it flat against her chest, holding it there tightly and securely.

"Dels," Patsy said with some concern, "it feels as if your heart will burst from your chest."

"I'm just as nervous as you, cariad," Delia smiled. "But I can't imagine that I would not like any way you would touch me. Or that you would hurt me. But I know if you did and I said 'stop' that you would. And as for not knowing what to do." Delia removed one of her hands from Patsy's and gently caressed her girlfriend's cheek. "Isn't that part of the fun? Figuring it all out?"

 _Flashback to four weeks ago_

Delia had lost count of the number of times Patsy had snuck into her bed after curfew at Nonnatus House. Clandestine meetings for a few short hours was far from what they had once dreamed about and almost had. Before Delia's accident they had a single night in their very own flat. But since they had no furniture and no money they decided to wait until they at least had a bed to share before they would make love. But they never got the bed and the flat was a distant memory now, as was any prospect of properly sleeping together in the foreseeable future.

Patsy lay with her head resting on Delia's chest. Delia ran her fingers through Patsy's copper locks while Patsy mindlessly traced the lines on Delia's plaid pajama top. "Do you ever regret it, Pats?" Delia asked, breaking the silence.

"Regret what?" Patsy asked, now conscious of the fact that she had started unbuttoning one of Delia's pajama top buttons in her daze. She quickly realized what she was doing and stopped and looked up to her girlfriend. "So sorry."

Delia simply smiled. She had noticed Patsy's unconscious actions, but didn't want to stop her. "Do you regret that we didn't make love the one night we had our own flat?"

"Constantly," Patsy said without hesitation. "Do you?"

"Yes," Delia said. A look of sadness washed across her face. She blamed herself—her carelessness—for the accident that ended the reality of them living on their own and that almost ended them.

Patsy knew the look well, and the guilt that Delia carried. "None of that, Dels," Patsy said attempting to pull Delia from her sorrow. "We're together now. That's all that matters."

"But we can't have now what we could have had then. We could never risk intimacy at the nurses' home and we certainly can't get caught here. Even this is risking a lot if someone were to walk in."

"But no one ever does walk in," Patsy said. And for a moment she felt secure. But suddenly she tensed and felt the need to remove herself from Delia's bed, just in case.

Delia caught her before she could get up and pulled her back down placing Patsy's head back on her chest. "No one's coming in, cariad." She kissed the top of Patsy's head and continued her thoughts. "Have you ever?" Delia began, then paused shyly. "Have you ever slept with a woman?"

Patsy leaned up on her elbow to look Delia in the eyes. "You know I haven't."

Delia pulled herself up into a seated position and leaned back against the headboard. "I didn't think you had," Delia said, "but I wasn't certain. We've never properly discussed it."

Patsy sat up and sat cross legged in the bed facing Delia, taking her hand in hers. "I've never been with anyone, Dels," Patsy confessed. "I've never even kissed another woman, not until you. I honestly thought you knew that."

"Why not?" Delia asked sincerely.

Patsy let out a sarcastic laugh. "You are aware of my crippling anxiety about being found out, aren't you?"

"You opened up to me," Delia said. "Maybe you had opened up to someone else before me—before you came to London."

"No Delia," Patsy said. "Only you." Patsy leaned in and kissed Delia softly on the lips. "You are the only woman I have ever had the courage to open myself to." Patsy paused and asked a question she wasn't sure she wanted the answer to. "Have you been with another woman?"

"No, Pats. Only you." Delia didn't share in Patsy's almost paralyzing fear of being found out. But she was younger and as a result had been away from her parents' home for only a short time; and during that time she had immersed herself in school and then work. Until Patsy had caught her attention when they both worked at the London, Delia had no desire to pursue romantic interests.

Patsy smiled, then furrowed her brow. "Am I enough?" Patsy asked, almost choking on the words. Her insecurities were almost palpable.

"Oh God, Pats." Delia's eyes filled with sadness. "Yes. You are more than enough; you are everything. You are more than I ever dreamed of." She leaned in and kissed Patsy. "But I'm tired of not being able to be intimate with you. I want things, Pats. I want things for us. We've been together for a long time now. If one of us were a man we'd already be married and there would be nothing wrong with us sharing a bed. In every way."

"But neither of us _is_ a man," Patsy said. "And it will most likely never be alright for us to share a bed. At best there will always be a stigma and at worst there will always be a risk."

"We've been together for two years, Pats," Delia frowned. "And I've never felt your skin on mine. Never been able to hold you all night and wake up with you naked and entangled together."

"I know," Patsy sounded so apologetic, like it was all her fault. "There are still things we could do though, Dels. We could be quiet and we could be careful."

"I don't want to be quiet or careful. I don't want to fumble around fully clothed like a teenager sneaking into their girlfriend's bed while her parents are asleep down the hall. I want to do it proper. I want to be loud and to be naked and to wake up in your arms and not have to worry about anyone barging in or catching us."

"I want that too, Dels. But what do you suggest we do?" Patsy asked, letting out a breath of air. "Should we try and get another flat? If we do we risk the wrath of your mother. The only reason we could even get her to consider letting you come back to London was if you lived here, at Nonnatus."

"I'm a grown woman, Pats," Delia scoffed. "My mother doesn't 'let' me do anything. I do what I want."

"Oh really," Patsy stared into Delia's steely blues and called her bluff.

"Well," Delia said sheepishly. "Anyway, I was thinking maybe we should go away for a weekend. Somewhere out of the city. One of the nurses at the London said her parents have a cottage in the country. They rarely use it and have offered it to her anytime she likes. And she offered it to me. To us."

Patsy looked at Delia with wide eyes. "Dels, you didn't tell anyone about us, did you?"

"No," Delia answered a little too defensively. "Well, maybe."

Patsy looked simply horrified. It wasn't a matter of being embarrassed to be a lesbian, it was a matter of livelihood. "Delia, you know we could lose our license to practice nursing if we are found out. What on Earth would ever possess you to do such a thing?"

"Don't worry, cariad," Delia said, reaching out to stroke Patsy's forearm and hand. "I didn't tell her it was you. But she isn't blind. She knows about me; she figured it out."

"If she figured out you, then how long do you think it will take for her to figure out who you are with? We are together all the time, Delia." Patsy looked away, now utterly beside herself.

"Pats, how do you think she figured it out?" Delia asked, pulling Patsy's face to look at her. A look of confusion wrinkled Patsy's brow. "Pats, so is she. She could tell I was and I could tell she was." This wasn't easing Patsy's concern.

"We were eating lunch in the park and we just started talking about things. One thing led to another and she told me about her girlfriend and the flat they share. She said she wouldn't have told me if she didn't think I'd be alright with it. I told her I had a girlfriend too and that it was maddening we couldn't be together in a flat of our own. That's when she told me about the cottage and offered it up anytime I wanted to use it." Delia smiled. "Well, not anytime, but maybe once."

"So you don't think she will tell anyone?" Patsy asked, always cautious.

"No, Pats, I don't," Delia smiled. "She stands just as much to lose as I do if she told."

"This cottage, it's in the country?" Patsy asked.

"Yes. Near a lake and secluded," Delia smiled. She could tell Patsy was on the verge of saying yes. "Away from neighbors. No other guests. And no chance her parents will come to visit as they are currently in Spain for six months."

"How would we get there?" Patsy asked, coming around to the thought of getting away for a weekend.

"All we need to do is ask for the time off—which we are both due. And I'm going to ask Phyllis if I can borrow her car," Delia said. "If _we_ can borrow her car."

"Sounds like you have it all planned out," Patsy said. "What will you tell Phyllis?"

"I will tell her that a friend has offered up her parents' cottage to me for the weekend and that you are coming with me. No need in making up a lie; and no need to elaborate further."

"Sounds sensible," Patsy said.

"We can do whatever we want," Delia smiled a devilish grin. "No chance of interruptions. Will you go with me?"

"Yes," Patsy agreed. Delia's breath hitched as Patsy's now steady hand unbuttoned her polka dot dress. "I think figuring it all out will be quite fun."


	2. Chapter 2

Patsy's hands had mostly stopped trembling and she seemed to regain their use; but she was undoing the buttons of Delia's polka dot dress purposefully slow. At this point, anything that transpired was a first for each of them and neither had any intention of rushing or spoiling anything.

The first button undone and Delia's breathing was shallow and quick. Patsy realized she had been holding her breath and began long inhales and exhales.

They locked eyes and said everything they needed to say without words. Patsy refocused on the next button.

The second button undone and Delia's breathing increased a bit—as did Patsy's. Another glance into Delia's blues and the slow reveal continued.

The third button undone and then the fourth, without pause.

Patsy laid her hands flat against either side of Delia's chest, under her dress just at her collar bones. She looked to Delia for permission and the brunette subtly nodded. Patsy could feel Delia's heart pounding through her palms. She slid her hands up to Delia's shoulders and down her arms taking the top of the dress to her hips, leaving it to rest there as she took in the sight of her.

Standing exposed, white bra covering ivory skinned breasts, Delia reached up and began unbuttoning Patsy's jade green shirt. She was quicker and more purposeful than Patsy had been; but still not rushed. Perhaps it was because she didn't want to be the only one undressed; but more likely because she was just more confident and secure with the notion of unabashedly being with a woman.

Not until Patsy's shirt was unbuttoned all the way did Delia make eye contact. Then, without breaking her gaze she slid the shirt off of Patsy and let it fall to the redhead's feet. Only then did she lower her gaze and take in the sight before her.

Patsy wore a full torso-covering longline bra. It was ivory rayon and shimmered in the firelight. Delia's breath hitched. "Turn around, cariad," she said in a whisper. "I'll unzip you."

"No," Patsy said, quickly and definitively and her whole body tensed. Delia's brow furrowed. Had Patsy changed her mind?

"Pats?"

Patsy relaxed her body and placed her hand on Delia's cheek. She saw the worry and wanted to set her beloved's mind at ease. "I meant," she started, "I just meant I can do it." Patsy reached behind her back and found the ribbon lead on the zipper and unzipped her bra. It hung onto her shoulders, open in the back, still covering her front. She left it there for Delia to remove.

This time Delia's hands trembled. She had seen Patsy before in her bra, always the longline type with full coverage. The women at Nonnatus often changed in front of one another without shame. But she had never seen Patsy bare chested—never seen her breasts or even the skin of her stomach.

Delia shakily reached for the straps and slowly pulled the garment down and off and let it fall to Patsy's feet along with the jade shirt. The sight of Patsy took Delia's breath away. "Cariad." The word was barely audible. She pushed herself into Patsy kissing her deeply. Patsy wasted no time reaching behind Delia and unclasping her bra. She pulled the straps down her arms and Delia made a gap between them to let it fall to the floor, joining Patsy's things.

Their breath hitched as bare breasts made contact and the feel of soft flesh on soft flesh was almost too much. Arms went around one another and they pulled each other close in kisses that were hard and full of want, full of need. Whimpers and moans and heavy breathing filled the room.

Hands explored arms, shoulders, breasts, hair, and backs. Then Delia's fingers found the raised flesh on Patsy's lower back. She pulled away only slightly. "Pats?" She asked, not needing to make a full sentence.

"Not now, love," was all Patsy would say and Delia did not push further.

Patsy took hold of the dress, still hanging onto Delia's hips, and pulled it down and let it pool at Delia's feet. Delia reached between them and undid Patsy's pants and began to pull them down with some difficulty.

"Let me," Patsy said and stepped back and pulled the pedal pushers off with ease, tossing them aside carelessly.

And there they stood. Patsy clad in only simple white cotton panties and Delia in similar panties, a garter belt, and nylons. Patsy pushed Delia backwards until the back of her legs struck the bed. "Sit." Delia did as she was told. Patsy knelt in front of her girlfriend and began to unhook the nylons from the garter—first the right leg, then the left. She rolled the nylons down and built up the courage on the left to gently place delicate kisses on top of Delia's thigh as her hands worked to remove the stocking.

The touch of Patsy's lips on her thigh made Delia gasp. "Come here," Delia demanded and pushed her way up and onto the bed and laid atop the covers.

They got a later start than they had hoped on the way to the cottage after their shifts were finished. Both had planned to be done by midday, but Patsy's delivery ran long and she was an hour later than anticipated.

To add to it all, Phyllis had a list of rules for the motor car she insisted on reviewing right before departure. "There's to be no smoking in the car," she shot Patsy a look. She knew the redhead's propensity to break the rules—at least the curfew rules, so she assumed she'd have no qualms breaking these. "And it should go without saying there's to be no driving if one imbibes alcohol." She looked at Delia as she understood the brunette would do the driving. "Use your turn signals and adjust your mirrors before you begin moving. Don't let the petrol run out."

Phyllis stood with her hands on her hips just knowing she'd forgotten to cover some important detail. "Now, do you know how to change a tire? There's time for a quick tutorial if you don't." She opened her mouth to continue but Delia cut her off.

"Yes, Phyllis," she said. "I know all about routine maintenance. I've been driving since I was fifteen. My dad made sure I could handle myself."

Patsy smiled at Delia and decided the best course of action was to just get in the passenger's seat.

"Very well," Phyllis said. "You girls have fun and be careful."

Delia hugged her and pecked a quick kiss on her cheek. "We will, Phyllis. And thank you again. Really."

Nurse Crane simply smiled and nodded a knowing approval to Delia. "Off you go." She shooed them along their way.

The drive to the cottage took a few hours and Patsy and Delia passed the time talking, laughing, and commenting on the scenery. Patsy was responsible for navigating, which was a breeze until they left the main roads for small winding country roads that eventually turned into two-track trails.

"Are you sure this is the way?" Delia asked.

"According to your friend's directions we're still on the right track."

"I don't doubt you, Pats," Delia confirmed. "It's just that there are no more road signs and few landmarks." Delia looked out the window and saw acres and acres of similar landscape.

"We should still make it before dark. I think we have another half hour. If we don't find it by then, then we'll back track and figure it out." Patsy placed a reassuring hand on Delia's knee.

Within twenty minutes a small cottage came into view. "I think that's it. Yes," Patsy said, confirming the details of the building with the description in the notes.

They brought in their suitcases and looked around the primitive cottage. There were only three rooms. One open room held the kitchen and an adequately sized living space with a settee, two chairs, and a few other odds and ends. There was a bedroom with a bed large enough for two to sleep comfortably and a small table on either side of it. There was a fireplace in the wall that separated the front room from the bedroom and it served to heat both rooms. There was a small bathroom off the bedroom with a claw foot tub and a sink, but little else. The only toilet was outside in an outhouse.

"Well that's unfortunate," Delia said with an up turned nose.

"I've had worse," Patsy said very matter-of-factly. "I think we should get a fire going." She turned on her heel and got to it.

"I'll fetch some water and start a kettle," Delia said.

The cottage had no electricity, no gas, no running water, nothing but a fireplace for heat, and a wood burning stove to cook and heat water for baths and washing.

Delia busied herself lighting gas lamps as the kettle boiled. Patsy brought in extra firewood before it got dark.

"Are you hungry, Pats?"

"Starving."

"I'll start supper," Delia smiled. They brought tea, tinned biscuits, breads, and other non-perishable items. They knew it would be primitive, but the full extent of it sunk in as Delia brought in pot after pot of water from outside so she could prepare to wash dishes and make tea and just have enough water for the night without having to walk out to the well after dark.

Patsy seemed to cope better with the conditions and didn't complain even once at the inconvenience of it all.

After supper and after everything was cleaned they settled in front of the fireplace, snuggled on the settee. Delia sat in front of Patsy, leaned up against the taller woman, and Patsy wrapped her arms around her girlfriend.

"I love this," Delia said.

"I do too." Patsy kissed the top of Delia's head. "I want this for us. I want this to be every night."

"Me too." Delia reached up and ran her hands along Patsy's arms. "One day."

"Do you want some wine?" Patsy asked.

"No," Delia said. She was convincing in her decision. "I don't want my senses dulled or altered. I want tonight with you to be pure. Unhindered."

Patsy squeezed Delia in a hug and then brought her fingertips up to her chin and turned the brunette to face her. She leaned down and kissed Delia. The angle was awkward but the kiss did what it intended.

Patsy did as she was told and placed her long body in bed beside Delia. Each now only covered by practical, white, cotton panties.


	3. Chapter 3

Lying on top of the covers facing one another, hands explored curves and soft skin while lips sought out sensitive areas on necks, ears, and faces. The sound of light moans and heavy breathing filled the room. Patsy's hand slid fluidly down the curve of Delia's side, striking cotton. She mindlessly played with the fabric.

"You'll need to take those off me sooner or later," Delia whispered breathlessly into Patsy's ear.

Patsy's breathing quickened and she hooked a finger into the waistband. She trailed kisses down Delia's jawline, neck, chest, and stomach; all the while pulling the only material left on Delia down her thighs. Delia was trying to assist—lifting her hips and parting her thighs ever so slightly. Patsy managed to get the garment to Delia's knees before Delia kicked them off and onto the floor.

Completely naked and unashamed, Delia smiled. "Your turn," she said, interrupting Patsy's concentration as she took in her girlfriend.

"Right," Patsy gulped rather hard. There was no doubt in her mind she wanted this—wanted Delia; but still, she hated feeling vulnerable and this was the most vulnerable she'd allowed herself to be in twenty years.

Patsy stood and removed her panties, kicking them carelessly aside. The firelight cast the most beautiful shadows across her skin and Delia was awestruck as she admired her form.

Delia got onto her knees atop the bed. She wanted Patsy now; she was done waiting. "Come here," Delia demanded.

"Can we get under the covers?" Patsy asked. Delia simply smiled and threw the covers back and crawled underneath.

Morning broke over the countryside and rays of sun began to filter in through curtains of the cabin windows. Delia and Patsy lay asleep, naked bodies entwined. This was exactly how Delia said she wanted to wake up. Patsy was the first to stir and she was so careful not to wake Delia. But Delia felt even the slightest movement and wrapped herself tighter around Patsy. "No," she said without opening her eyes. "You can't get up. We can never get up. This is heaven." She was mumbling into Patsy's skin.

"I'm cold," Patsy said. She kissed Delia on top of her head, which was resting on her bare chest. "I want to get the fire going."

"Alright," Delia said, without opening her eyes. Her warm breath drifted down Patsy's chest as she spoke. She wrapped herself tighter around Patsy and pulled her in closer.

"That means I have to get up," Patsy said. Delia could hear her smile in her tone.

"Fine," Delia said, finally loosening her grip with one arm but still not opening her eyes. "Jus' don't take too long." Delia's words were slurred in her still sleepy state.

Patsy untangled herself from Delia and hopped out of bed. She had to open up her suitcase and dig her dressing gown out as they had not unpacked a single thing last night. Delia finally opened her eyes and watched as Patsy threw pants and shirts and underthings aside in search of the elusive dressing gown. She didn't want to miss a moment of this. Finally triumphant in her search, Patsy wrapped the garment around herself and moved over to the fireplace. Delia continued to watch as the redhead started tinder, stacked logs, and managed a blazing fire within a few minutes.

Patsy hurried back into bed. She scrambled under the covers and snuggled into Delia for warmth.

"You have to take that off," Delia demanded, tugging at Patsy's dressing gown, her words less slurred than before and finally looking into Patsy's eyes.

"But I'm freezing," Patsy whined, looking back into deep blues.

"Nurse, you know as well as I do that body to body contact is the best way to warm up. Skin on skin." Delia smiled a devilish grin that Patsy knew well; but was usually displayed when there wasn't anything she could do about it.

"You're very cheeky, Delia Busby," Patsy flirted. "You know that?"

"And you are very beautiful, Patience Mount," Delia said, her tone sincere. "The most beautiful woman I have ever known, inside and out." She pulled Patsy close and kissed her slowly and tenderly. She began to remove the dressing gown and let her hands move all over Patsy's body. "I just don't want to miss a moment of this," Delia said between soft kisses.

"I'm not going anywhere," Patsy assured her.

"Pats," Delia said, rather seriously. She pulled back to allow space between them.

"Yes, Deels?"

"You don't have to tell me anything. I'm not trying to prompt you to talk about it. But I want you to know that anything that is a part of you, is beautiful."

Patsy's smile vanished. She cast her eyes down, as if in shame. She knew Delia was talking about her scars. She must have seen them when she was scrambling for her dressing gown. "The guards were fond of striking children across their backs and buttocks and legs with cane for even the most minor offense," Patsy started. "Some were downright cruel and often did it for sport; taking bets on how many strikes it would take to make the child cry. I learned early on to do as I was told and always obey the guards. As a result, I didn't get caned like most other children.

"After my mother and sister died I was sure I was an orphan. They kept the men separate from the women and children, so I had no idea if my father was alive or dead. One day I just cracked. I felt I had nothing left to lose so I began to resist. I actually wanted to die.

"That's when the worst of it happened. One day, while in line for the only food we would get for the day, I was told to move; I stayed put. Cane fell across my back, but I didn't flinch. I was told again to move; I stayed put. Again a cane was brought down on me, not once but twice. Then again. Still, I didn't flinch. A second guard came to investigate and got in on it. When I refused the order a third time my legs were swept from under me and I was kicked and beaten and left to die in the dirt.

"A nurse happened upon me, or maybe she was on rounds, and took me to the medical tent for treatment—an unheard of act of kindness for a disobedient child. She had cared for my mother and sister and knew they just died from typhoid. And she knew I must have given up. To this day I do not know why she cared.

"When I finally regained consciousness in the medical tent I remember is her saying, 'If you want to die, do it tonight and don't waste my time. If you're alive in the morning I will treat you.' I don't know why she chose me—the poor little orphan girl—but she did. She took me under her wing.

"She told the guards she needed an assistant and that I could do the job because my mother had been a nurse and I had been taught things. That, of course, was a lie. But, she saved me that day. Not just with the medical treatment, but how she treated me. She is the reason I wanted to become a nurse. Granted I wasn't doing anything more than washing bandages and cleaning up. But that was where I learned that I wanted to help people. Even the ones who had given up."

The room was silent save for the crackling fire.

"Oh Pats." Delia laid a reassuring hand on Patsy's shoulder.

"Don't feel sorry for me, Delia," Patsy said, tossing her chin up slightly. "Feeling sorry for myself is what almost got me killed that day and I'm ever so glad I didn't die. I vowed to never feel sorry for myself ever again. Nor anyone else for that matter. There's simply nothing for it. And I've never told anyone that story. And I've never shown anyone those scars. I've always been so careful to hide them. Longline bras and high-waisted panties are this girl's best friend." She let out a breath she felt she'd been holding forever. "But I didn't think twice about covering them just now. I only put on the dressing gown because I was cold."

"I love you, Patience Mount," Delia said and closed the gap between them.

Patsy brought in enough firewood to get them through the day while Delia made breakfast—which was now more like lunch. She set several pots of water on to boil and readied even more. They agreed that there was no need in heating this much water for two baths when one would suit them both just fine.


End file.
